It was probably one of the most challenging school years for my daughter, Reese. I mean, teenager in high school, full class load with advanced placement honors. Fast forward to the spring season, and now there’s standardized testing, regular testing, and it’s lacrosse season. The girls make it to the championships and advance to the quarterfinals.
It’s so exciting, but that means that Reese has to leave some of her classes early to take the bus, to travel to these away games. They’ve got more intense practices, more intense games, and sure enough, after one of those nights, everything just kind of culminated for Reese to have this emotional experience. Now, without me saying much about it, I’m sure you can picture what a teenage girl’s emotional experience might look like.
Many parents would have the reaction to say, “Oh, it’s okay, don’t worry about it, or don’t be sad, or don’t be frustrated, or don’t be angry.” But instead of me saying anything, I just allowed and provided that space for Reese to feel all the feels, just go through those emotions, and for me to be there if she needed me. Now, you might be wondering, Colleen, how is this “parenting teenage daughter” applicable to me, to you, in your professional life?
Well, a similar thing happened for me. I was early on in my business, my speaking career, I spoke to a group and I received the post-event survey feedback, and there were a couple, especially one, that was not nice. I mean, the one might’ve well just said, “You suck,” across the comment, and I was just like Reese in that moment – I had this full emotional experience. I felt everything, and I did for myself what I did for Reese, which was, don’t say don’t feel bad, or don’t feel sad or angry. No, I went through all of those emotions – and that’s where I want you to go, is to experience the emotions. It is a healthy release, but here is the key difference.
The difference that both Reese, myself, and now you will go through is that emotions are the data, emotions are not the destination.
Go through the emotions, allow that release. Listen to what is happening, what you’re processing, what you’re thinking about. Use that data, but you are not allowed to stay in that emotion. You may not make that emotion your destination. Give yourself a time limit to go through those emotions. For my daughter, Reese, she basically needed to go through that, and by the next morning, she was good to go.
Sometimes I’ve given myself a time limit of 12 hours if it’s within a window, but for the most part, 24 and max 48 hours to go through those emotions, and once you’ve hit that time limit at that expiration date, give it an expiration date. Those emotions should now be observed, released, and done, and now you move on to the next. Again, emotions should not be your destination – give them an expiration date.
Go through the feels, don’t deny yourself. It’s a healthy release, it’s a great self-management tool, but don’t live there. Again, emotions are the data, not the destination. Give those emotions an expiration date, and move on to the next thing. That is my challenge, my invitation to you today!